


The Worst Mass Effect Smut Ever Written

by Morninglight (orphan_account)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bad Smut, F/M, No I really suck at writing smut, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 06:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4950838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Morninglight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My attempt at writing really lurid bad romance novel smut. My muse had to intervene for my own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Mass Effect Smut Ever Written

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Thanks for reading and reviewing. This is what happens when an asexual person writes bad smut fanfic in deliberately over the top language. Kaidan, Regan, please don’t hate me.

It was a dark and stormy night somewhere in the stars. Major Kaidan Alenko, a broad-shouldered Adonis of a biotic sex god, was staring broodily into the sidereal expanse before him, back presented to the door as his forehead pressed against the glass. The Reapers, always the Reapers, troubled his mind and stole whatever minute piece of peace he might have found in this moment of solitude.

            The door slid open at the touch of a gentle hand upon the big orange button that said Open, its owner a small woman with hair that could be poetically called red-gold but in reality was somewhere between badly bleached blonde and carrot orange, her face enraptured at the sight of the brooding biotic sex god. Dew collected between her innermost petals at the thought of being claimed by the man she had loved since before she knew him, only a glimpse beheld in a pseudo-Irish pub in Canada enough for the both of them to become cosmic soulmates.

            Alerted to her presence by the pulsing of her biotic field, matching the hammering of his heartbeat, Kaidan turned around to behold the tiny woman who had claimed his heart with one barrage of drunken cursing that ended in an invitation to ‘carn fuck’. Regan Shepard’s face was charmingly ugly and mismatched, a lot like a pug’s down to the smushed nose and the constant licking of her chops, and her beady little eyes glowed with desire that was surely no more fierce than the fleshy omnitool that yearned to burst out of his blue uniform.

            “Oh Kaidan, allow me to ease the trauma of your troubled past that you’ve completely gotten over,” Regan sighed lustfully

            “Oh Shepard, until I met you, I was completely free of angst,” Kaidan sighed, wistfully recalling those happier times. But then Regan managed to lick her nose like a pug’s and that brief voice of the author’s muse reminding her that Kaidan was the steady one in the fanfictions shut down in defeat, no doubt so that the badly written intercourse could go on without interruption.

            Somehow, with much metaphor and purple prose, they removed their BDUs and Kaidan lowered his head to taste the tender love-berries that tipped Regan’s creamy globes, which actually had the poor taste to taste like badly washed skin and not cream. Commander Shepard, saviour of the Reapers, moaned in pleasure – loudly enough to alert someone to the fact that two Alliance commanding officers were breaking regulations against fraternisation – and twined her hands through Kaidan’s fauxhawk as light blue as the sky of Thessia as the Reapers descended flickered around her body.

            They only got that far because the author’s muse said “No more” and shut down out of self-preservation, that and the author was laughing way more than the story deserved.


End file.
